My Story

My Story

The Big One 

When I was fifteen years old, attending my first year of high school, I experienced the trauma and horror of a head on motor vehicle accident on a highway. There was nothing unusual about the day or the circumstances of that day other than the mood was extra light because everyone was getting ready for the Holidays. It was December 23rd, two days before Christmas and the last day of school for that calendar year. Like most days when school was out, people hitched rides from friends so they didn’t have to take the big yellow bus home to the rural communities in which they were from. Although I grew up in a small town called Millet, I attended high school in Wetaskiwin and that was were we were heading from on that fatal day.

Before hitting the highway, we did what was very common back in those days and grab 2 cheeseburger meals from McDonalds. On the drive to Millet, we chatted and laughed like any other trip on any other day. In a split second, where there was a slight turn in the road, we collided with another vehicle. In this post, I will only speak of my personal experience out of respect for others involved.

The last moment, right before the accident, I remember experiencing the strangest almost surreal and calming deep inhale. In truth, I believe that was my miracle and that single deep breath helped save my life as I titled my head slightly an inhaled. I never saw saw the other vehicle coming or experienced that sudden rush of fear at the last second. I do have other fragmented memories but I will not be sharing those specific details in this thread. 

The accident required Stars air ambulance, alongside other ambulances to help transport people. Regular everyday people who were just commuting home from work quickly had to become everyday hero’s as they were first on the scene. A fire extinguisher, that luckily was in someone’s trunk, was needed to extinguish a fire and help get people out of vehicles. Some strangers wrapped me in a blanket while I was out in the cold waiting for medical care. I do not remember arriving at the hospital, leaving the hospital or receiving any diagnosis, treatment or care. I have come to realize this is more common than what one would like to believe. That was my first Traumatic Brain Injury. 


The Next One

In the spring of 2005, I was playing hockey for Team Alberta at Nationals. It was our second last game and we were playing against Quebec. I remember the play clearly, I was trying to ge to the red line to dump the puck in and join the rest of my line on a line change. The opposing player new what I was trying to do and hit me with an elbow to the jaw, right as I was reaching for the red line for a dump in. I did see her coming but I wasn’t expecting the cheap shot at the last second so I had no way to prepare myself or protect myself during the play. 

One More Time

The following year I was playing Division 1 hockey in Edmonton, which was only once or twice a week compared to the daily commitment of University or College Sports. We were just getting our season started and playing in our first game. With only a couple minutes left in the third period, I got cross checked head first into the boards. While I was getting up, I could see the player who hit me as she skated to the box to serve her penalty. She was visibly upset and arguing that she had received a two minute penalty and I would never play hockey or any kind of sport again after that hit.

 

Second Impact Concussion 

My second impact concussion was not due to the typical reasons that people experience. There was no bump or fall or collision that caused all the damage. It was a boat ride from Dangriga, Belize to Honduras and a mighty vicious storm. Anyone who has been in a storm on the ocean understands that this statement is not spoken with mediocrity; you probably thought you were going to die. For almost three hours we were out in the water, in a boat the size of a car, wondering if we would ever see land again. At one point, everyone put their valuables, wallets and cellphones in a bucket that was then placed in to a hidden compartment to prevent complete water damage. The small group of boat riders/travellers, from various places in the world, held up a tarp to prevent the continuous waves from soaking everyone as each wave blasted up at the boat. Because I was so nauseous and trying to protect my body from slamming around, I never hid under the tarp and instead took each wave face on. I read a great surfing quote on the impact of waves in the ocean that stated "the scarier it is, the less room there is for fear. " The boat ride that afternoon was no way to spend a day and a great way to ruin a life. 

One More Time

I had separated my shoulder before and torn ligaments in my knee and ankle before but with this injury, I had no clue how to even begin the rehabilitation process. So I decided to return to physical therapy at the place where I went attended University and played University Sports. I was, after all, familiar with the location and clinic.

After my first physio session was complete, I had been instructed to put ice on my neck for 15 minuets later on that evening. After removing the bag of chopped ice from the back of my neck, I felt a warm sensation in the back of my head on the left side. I remember specifically one detail, it felt like a cup of warm water had been poured in my head. Bath water warm, the only thing I remember was the warm sensation. Following the warmth, came a brief period of euphoria which dissipated  into unexplainable and unimaginable pain. Yet again, my life would never be the same. 

Not only was that a set back that I did not need, it was also the beginning of the process of re-teaching myself almost everything. I was sick every single day for a year and then I found one practitioner (Acupunture) who began to help me with my recovery. Fortunately for my recovery, the Acupuncture therapist I was seeing, was formally a trained neurologist prior to moving to Canada. I started by doing one thing, once a day and building from there. Years later, I was still not able to do simple things like walk around the block or drive around the block without difficulties. In my second year of recovery, I was better than in my first year of recovery. In my third year of recovery, I was better than in my second year. That was my mindset, that was all I had to hold on to and I held on with every ounce of energy that I could bring each day. 

Brain Injury Recovery is physically, emotionally, psychologically, spiritually, and financially draining. The world you know is changed and you are now changed forever. 

One Long, Painful & Agonizing Day At A Time

Looking back now it is easy to see that I had a history with concussions. Looking back now, I would have made a lot of changes and done a lot things different but I know I am not alone when I say this. Because I changed so dramatically, my view of the world had also change dramatically. It all happened so quickly it was very difficult knowing how to react and knowing how to make proper adjustments with limited resources.   

I tortured myself during the bargaining phase of grief. If only I didn’t play hockey that evening and instead had a shift at work. If I never planned that trip or knew the people I went travelling with my life would be so much better. If one of the dozen doctors I saw or the two neurologists I saw, spoke to me once about concussions; instead of saying that there was nothing physically wrong with me and that I was fine to return to all activities. If only I stood up for myself more when my former friend said, " you will be fine" before getting on the boat when I had expressed my reservations. One thing I have realized is that everyone who struggles with post concussion syndrome is doing the best they can with the information and resources they have, yet so often that just doesn’t ever feel good enough. It occurs so frequently that post injury individuals are placed in situations that cause them further injury or failure. My hope is that everyone who suffers a brain injury is able to find a way in which they can succeed with the abilities they have post injury. I share my story in hopes of advocating for everyone who is struggling with persistent post concussion symptoms and searching for ways of achieving post traumatic growth. 

 

CCSTUDIO

 

1. HOPE IS NOT EMPIRICAL

How many times have you heard that something is supposed to help you and it doesn’t? What about when an idea or product is not clinically tested but appears to help you find relief or move forward. There is no perfect equation for how you are supposed to recover and no remedy that exemplifies perfection. Numerous times I found support and valuable information in places that I least expected. Hope is NOT empirical. 

2. RECOVERY IS NOT LINEAR

For over a decade, I tracked my symptoms every single day and came to one clear conclusion; post concussion growth and recovery is NOT linear. Tracking my symptoms allowed me to understand cyclical patterns in my recovery and adjust my goals and standards to match my threshold limits. Recovery is NOT linear.

3. TRACK SYMPTOMS IN ORDER TO UNDERSTAND SYMPTOM SEVERITY

 Understanding symptom severity was the biggest challenge I experienced in the early stages of managing my concussion symptoms. Without understanding how symptom severity impacts your day to day situations, it is very difficult to have growth without numerous set backs. By signing up for the 3 M-Care program you can track symptoms. 

4. BE YOURSELF - TRUST YOURSELF

Conflicting advise and recommendations can cost you set backs, find a way to trust yourself. Before I suffered a second impact concussion, that changed my life forever, I heard two statements repeatedly: 1) concussions last a week 2) you are going to be fine. Both of those statements were wrong and it cost me in ways I still can’t fully comprehend. If you have symptoms, you are not fine. Part of being yourself post concussion is accepting you now have limits and doing the best you can to trust yourself in recovery. You should be able to say, this is my story and this is how it made me feel.

5. YOU DID NOT DESERVE THIS

Grief is a very difficult process to go through and each stage will procure different memories and emotions. Learning how to cope can be extremely challenging and often people will blame themselves because they happened to be in a specific place at a specific time. You did not deserve to suffer a brain injury just because you happened to be in a specific place at a specific time. 

6. CAN’T YOU SEE I AM TRYING? I CAN SEE STRUGGLE. I CAN SEE PROGRESS.

So many times you will hear about someone with a disability being able to do something and then expected to be always able to repeat that action or activity in all future interactions. I see people run marathons but I don’t expect they are able to perform at that level every single day without a space for preparation and recovery. Same rule applies for people with brain injury. Your are going to have good days and bad days and days somewhere in between. I can see that you are still trying even though you are not at peak performance every single day of the year.

7. GIVE YOURSELF PERMISSION TO SET BOUNDARIES IN ORDER TO HEAL, EVOLVE AND GROW.

 I repeatedly made mistakes and I repeatedly learned from my mistakes. I made mistake after mistake after mistake and then I learned to give myself permission to set boundaries so I would not continue the process of making mistakes. Setting boundaries allowed my a greater opportunity to heal, grow and evolve. 

 

8. YES! IT IS THAT BAD. NO, IT IS NOT INVISIBLE IF YOU ACTUALLY LISTEN TO ME SHARE MY STORY.

 I heard over and over the question of if my brain injury was that bad? Yes, it was!!! Brain injury is awful for every day, week, month or year that is takes someone away from a life they wish to live. Each symptom is hard to manage and the cumulative impact is devastating.

Brain injuries are not invisible, just the people who suffer them, often become invisible. I learned quickly the power of empathy on the disability community. I learned quickly the power of being able to feel safe sharing your story, the story that makes you authentically you. Support groups are often a place where you can become visible again. 

Studio Space

Welcome!

In order to manage the symptoms that I was experiencing from multiple concussions, I had to develop creative solutions to adapt to the changes in neurochemisty, neurocircuitry and neuroanatomy. Learning to manage and monitor the multitude of symptoms that were present daily required a deconstruction of the injury and allocation of symptoms that needed to be managed. 

STUDIO 1

Studio 1 is where I learned to move again. I had to monitor all of my movements, set up systems for achieving goals and increase threshold levels.

STUDIO 2

Studio 2 is where I had to navigate the changes in mood and recognize how I was feeling and how my mood impacted my day. I had to examine my memory and learning processes as I planned each daily activity.  

STUDIO 3

Studio 3 is where I established specific plans for advancing executive functioning. Social interactions were very difficult so I had to minimize barriers and reward positive social experiences as I made progress. I also had to slowly increase my tolerance for sensory experiences and manage behaviour in those changing environments.